God is Probably Laughing When He Reads This

if you read ahead, (maybe) you'll understand what the title means.

i often wonder about my condition. why this, why that. why him, why her. and so on. and currently i've been wondering about the existence of a soul mate. as written on my previous post, my present life is filled with boredom which is caused by routinities. and honestly, these are the moments where you really, really need someone that you can share with, and in this case, the someone is not just anybody; but somebody.

here's the deal. when i had a boyfriend, which was like more than one and a half year ago, my life was fine, meaning that the obstacles were all positioned at the beginner level, the level where you can handle things well on your own, and a boyfriend is just a person to share with, not someone to really rely on for help. maybe this is a mean statement, but after experiencing all kinds of pre-adult shit, well, what can i say? 

then, all those magic days are gone. the cinderella story flew away and life started to play hard on me. people change and so does friends. the 24-hour service has stopped. it feels like being piled along with other people's dead bodies, when actually you're still alive, but nobody cares about your call for help 'cause they think it's just a rage of a disturbed spirit. they think you're dead, just like all those other people around you. it's really the moment where it's you versus you, and God was the only power that could mediate you and you. 

when i was okay, i had someone. but i'm not okay now, and i'm all alone. when i was okay, my surroundings were blissful. but i'm not okay now, and all i feel is confrontation from every way. life is contradictive. it seems unfair, but it's actually fair, 'cause you'll experience good and bad moments at different periods of your life. love and hate, friends and enemies, it's all there. i broke down when i was alone. like being hated by a friend, and your friend's friend started hating you too 'cause you made your friend hated you (whatever it is -.-"). but then i realized that it's a lesson of life. losing friends, gaining new ones. being needed, being left behind. God planned all those "tricks" to keep you alive, to make you live. life is never flat, so never hope for a problem-free life. it's 99,99% impossible.

i sound optimistic now, but i might turn pessimistic a few minutes after this. i see that growing up is a must in life, but then, at any moment, i could decide to not grow up at all. i understand the challange that God has given to me by being left alone, but deep inside, i actually am still longing for a soul mate, someone that i could rely on to help me, the fireman that could beat up all the angry flames and save me from dying. well, i'm definitely sure that He's laughing at me now ;)